Sunday, March 11, 2012

Update: A life of standing still, listening to the ticking clock and hoping that you still have enough time to do everything you want to do and then remembering that yes you are still young and it's all going to be fine...

Hello everyone.

Yep, my blog has been a little quiet these past few weeks. It will probably continue to be so until I get my new glasses and get used to them. I'm still trying to update it as much as twice a week, which isn't too difficult thank you to the numerous memes bloggers have going out there. One of them being my own meme 'Friday I'm in Love'.

I haven't been reading all that much either. This might be a relief to a few of those friends and family members out there who think that reading is too much of a hindrance to my social life and my ability to consume vitamin D. I hate to break it to you all though (sarcastically), that I think I have learn that reading is really just a distraction from the fact that I have no life. I have become extremely bored these past few weeks, without my books and my life has been filled with (sometimes meaningless) facebook conversations, polyvore sets and sitting around thinking about how pointless my existence really is.

I have come to believe that maybe Sylvia Plath wasn't really depressed at all in the beginning. Maybe she just had bad eyesight and stopped reading and then became depressed. I think it's a pretty decent sort of theory anyhow. I don't think I'm there yet though. There are still too many good things to live for including my super cool glasses which should be here in a few weeks. I'm not about to commit suicide over a few weeks of boredom! Especially when there are so many other great things to live for.

In this spare time I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life. I need some sort of plan and like Esther Greenwood, I definitely understand how difficult future decisions are to make. I can think of all these great things that I would like to do with my life and then all the negatives that come with them. The end result is: Very undecided. I know what I want lifestyle wise. I want a little house with one big room for dancing (or maybe a large garage instead), book shelf lined walls, old fashioned sofas and a place to stash all my art things. I've thought that all through quite thoroughly, but it's the making money part that troubles me.

(In no particular order)

1. Fashion Designer,
-Involves moving to a big city. I am a small town girl and do not like the rustle and bustle of places filled with people and noise.

2. Boutique Owner/ Book Store Owner,
-Involves stocking what people want, rather than what I want. I don't have enough funding to run a place like that. I'd have to actually serve customers.

-The Council has to actually want to employ me and I'd have to read stories to little kids, which I find Nerve Wracking. I am not great with kids.

4. Teacher of Maths, English, Art,
-Involves going to study in a city. Involves standing up in front of a room of kids who will destroy me. I am actually ok at teaching stuff one-on-one though.

5. Writer,
I'm one of those people that actually started attempting to write a book. I have a few ideas, but I'm stuck on where to actually start the book and on what perspective the narration should be coming from.

6. A Journalist for Frankie or the likes of,
Probably means I would have to go to uni in a city.

So yep, there's the list. A long list of possibilities that require a busy city. I guess I'm going through one of those "What does it all mean?" things like the guy of 'High Fidelity'. I guess it's possible that I could just spend my time doing something more useful like cleaning..., but I just can't bring my self to it when I have these important questions about what I'm doing with my life just rolling about in my head.

I don't go to parties and drink. I don't have any tattoos. I don't smoke. I try not to swear. I'm very strict about my morals. I read a lot.... I always thought these things made me a good person. I've grown up believing that my attitude towards these things are the right ones. One day I won't be so innocent and I will eventually have had more alcoholic beverages than I can count, but I can't seem to comprehend that. I will have to eventually grow up and stop dreaming about stupid things that will never eventuate and actually start living life. I just don't know how. 

 That's another problem I have with writing. If you haven't "lived", haven't done crazy things or aren't very good with other people, how is it possible to write a convincing story?

I think sometimes I just need to think less.

Sorry about the whole "what does it mean?", analysis for those who were hoping to hear more about my reading and writing adventures. I stopped reading 'Tender is the Night' by F. Scott Fitzgerald, because the text is too small and an old-fashioned "typewriter" style, which tends to blur together when looked at for too long. I am a few chapters into 'Angel Arias' (Book 2 in the Night Creatures series) by Marianne de Pierres. And, I have written a total of two A5 pages of my story and will most-likely discard them.

Oh, and aren't you all just loving this 'New Girl' show? I am!

Your Favourite Cynical Blogger,


Anna said...

i think too much too.

Ms. McKellips said...

You be strong and let the world rise up to meet you on your level!! You have many many many years ahead and don't let that stop you. You'd hate to hit 40 and think "What have I done with my life? Nothing, that's what!" Live, take a few uncomfortable chances, if you fall down, just pick yourself up and dust off. There's a big wide world out there... don't give up on it.

Natalie_vintage_girl said...

I'm not giving up on the world. I'm just stating my fears. I don't want to be one of those people stuck in a dead end job for the rest of my life, but i'm just not really sure exactly what it is I plan to do.

I'm really annoyeed with the fact that doing something with my life often involves university and therefore moving away from where I want to live. I like where I'm living now. I don't exactly have friends here (I'm working on changing that), but I don't see why I should move away. Can't people choose to stay in one town and settle down. Even if I don't want children I should still be entitled to some consistency.